Pictures of Diana

Many of you may recall that Cora spent the first ten weeks of her life in the nursery at our adoption agency--The Cradle in Evanston, IL.  She was lovingly cared for by nurses and volunteer "cuddlers" who ensured the babies got plenty of individual attention.  The Cradle was also so kind as to take a few dozen pictures of Cora so we could see her develop during those first few months.  They put these photos in a small album and gave it to us on the day we brought Cora home.

Cora's birthmom named her Diana and we kept that as a middle name: she is Corinne Joy Diana.  Her name was Diana during her time at The Cradle and they wrote that name in stickers on the cover of the photo album.  We keep it with Cora's bedtime books and she likes to look at it sometimes at bedtime.

After reading two books tonight she asked for the "Diana Book."  She looked through the pages and I said: "do you know this is you--Baby Cora."  She stopped on a close-up picture of her being held by a woman with only the woman's arms visible.  Cora pointed and said "Mommy." I said: "No, that's Baby Cora." "No!" she insisted "Mommy's right there" as she pointed to the woman's arms holding her.

This really touched me.  It seems like in her mind, I have always been there (and, I know Bill, too). That's certainly the way it feels from my end--I feel like she's always been my daughter.

On another note relating to our unsuccessful adoption: one of my favorite television shows, Parenthood, has a storyline regarding adoption.  On this week's show it appears that the birthmom may have had a change of heart just after birth.  This was painful to watch as it hit so very close to home--especially watching as the prospective adoptive mom sobbed in a hospital room and remembering feeling that same way not so long ago.

However, at the same time, I was very glad they had chosen to take the storyline this way.  It was somewhat healing to view and I don't believe this "alternate" adoption outcome is depicted very much in the media.  I think it could help current prospective adoptive parents watching prepare a bit more for this possibility.  We knew it was a possibility but truly didn't think it would happen to us.  I felt the show was very well done and look forward to continuing to follow it (albeit, through a few tears) in future weeks.

"You would have been so loved"

It was the wee hours of the morn last Wednesday.  I was up late working on a quick-turnaround consulting project.  Checking e-mail on a break, I read an e-mail from a mom's website with a touching blog entry from a woman describing her miscarriage.  I so related to her feelings and read most of the entry through my tears.

Her words: "you would have been so loved" really struck a chord with me.  We had so much love to give this baby.  We had already loved her for months and we had loved her parents (the birthparents), too.  

We stayed at the hospital Tuesday night after the baby was born and spent much of Wednesday in the birthparents' hospital room with the baby.  At this point we still really believed that they were moving forward with their adoption plan.  They took the baby home on Wednesday night as planned and we returned to our home with Cora. After they had time with the baby, we were to meet up a few days later to sign the papers.

After putting Cora to bed, Bill and I relaxed in front of one of our favorite tv shows Parenthood.  Bill asked if I would be all right watching it as it has an adoption storyline this season.  I said, of course, as the storyline was completely different--the birthfather wanted the potential adoptive parents to "buy" the baby.  However, about halfway through the episode there was an emotional scene between the birthmother and the potential adoptive mom Julia.  Julia refuses to give them money for the baby and as the birthmother is leaving, Julia says: "I would have been such a good mother to your baby."  We had to stop to the pause the show for awhile while I sobbed in Bill's arms.

These "might-have-beens" are hard for me. Yes, our baby would have been so loved and, yes, I believe that I would have been a good mom/we would have been good parents to their baby.  Yet, I also believe that the birthparents will be such good parents to their baby.  They had so much love for the baby that they were willing to make really difficult decisions they weren't open to before the birth.  Such as telling the birthmom's mother about the baby (they'd kept the pregnancy and birth a complete secret from her) and having the humility to move in with her until the birthfather got a job and they could afford to live on their own.

I love how the author below clings to the words of a song she heard in church.  That was so helpful to me as well--a different song, but one that really spoke to me of our journey.  I shared it in one of my longer facebook posts at the time and will share it again in a future blog post.

I attended an infant loss/miscarriage support group last month as was recommended in some of the support materials around adoption change of heart.  I thought I might feel different or they might resent me being there as I didn't lose a baby in the same way they did.  But they were so very welcoming and one woman told me afterwards that I was so welcome there saying "we all went home with empty arms."

I think I'll bring this beautiful and touching blog post with me to share at the next meeting.  The text of it follows below as well as a link to the author's blog.

 ----

 Mamapedia Voices

Mamapedia City Voices highlights the inside scoop on your city by selected writers, from up-and-coming mom bloggers to well-known mom experts.

He Loves Us

February 1, 2012

by Jennifer of "Midwest "Mom"ments"

The spotting turned red around 1AM. I had a mild cramp and passed two tiny clots. I went to bed, and tried to lie very still in the hopes that maybe I had just overdone it this weekend. Maybe if I just rested, the baby could hold on.

As I fell asleep, the chorus from David Crowder Band’s song, “He Loves Us” ran through my head. We sang it in church yesterday,
“Oh, how He loves us so.
Oh, how He loves us.
Oh, how He loves us.”

S came to our room around 6:30AM. I told her it was too early to get up, and she could snuggle with me or go back to her bed. She crawled under the covers, and we laid on our sides facing each other. She wrapped her tiny arm and leg around me, because she wanted to “snuggle with the baby.” She cooed at my belly and told it how much Big Sister loved it. It took all my strength to hold back the tears. “You would have been so loved,” I thought to myself.

I dropped the girls off at my parents’ house, and called the OB’s office on my way to work. After I told them what was going on, they told me to come right in.

As I sat in the exam room waiting for the doctor, I focused on those lyrics. I’d been hearing them every waking moment this morning. It was a great comfort.

The OB came in and started the sonogram. As soon as the image appeared, it verified what I already knew in my soul. My perfect bean-shaped baby was nestled in its little home. Motionless. There was no heartbeat.

Tears were already sliding down my temple into my ears when the doctor spoke the words. She let me know my options then gave me some time to call my husband and get dressed and cry.

I decided to let the miscarriage just happen on its own. In the meantime, I have to figure out how to tell S. It will break her heart.

Jennifer Barr is a working (for the moment) mom to two amazing girls who are 4 and 2, and a blessed baby in heaven. She and her incredible husband enjoy life in the ’burbs. She blogs at Midwest MomMents.

"Sleeping Over" in a Homeless Shelter

Last night I spent the night in a homeless shelter. Yes, you read that correctly. Our church supports the Lazarus House homeless shelter in St. Charles, IL and each month church members donate food. In addition, a volunteer spends the night helping out the staff. We had previously donated food and I'd always been tempted to volunteer for the all-night shift but never did. Then, last month, right after our unsuccessful adoption something prompted me to sign up to volunteer for the January date.

I've served at soup kitchens and homeless shelters since I was a kid.  In addition every year we cook a meal at an Evanston shelter in memory of a dear friend of mine who passed away.  So serving is not a new experience for me...but spending the night in a shelter felt a bit out of my comfort zone. 

I was told to arrive at 7 p.m. last night and I'd be staying until 7:30 a.m. this morning. I didn't know what I'd be doing other than helping and sleeping--I was told I'd get six to seven hours of sleep).  When I first arrived they gave me a tour. They house men, women, and families separately (the children are usually housed with the women). The two staffers I met were great people and really dedicated--one is the daughter of the shelter's founder so she definitely has service "in her blood."

Next, I was instructed to find sheets and blankets for my mattress and pull it into the director's office where I was to sleep. Then I hung out enjoying talking with some of the shelter residents until lights out at 11.

They needed a volunteer to "sleep over" as they are required by law to have two non-residents (staffer and a volunteer or two staff) there over night. The daytime staffer said this was in case of emergency. I commented to the nighttime staffer that little 5 foot 1 me is not going to be much help in an emergency. He wasn't a big guy himself and replied to me that he wouldn't be any help either. He said we would help direct folks if there was a fire drill or something of that sort but if two residents got in a fight, we'd just get "out of way." That wasn't super comforting but every resident I met was warm and friendly--not at all the surly type to pick a fight.

The staffer woke me up at 5:30 a.m. and I made multiple pots of coffee while putting out breakfast. He couldn't believe I slept well and I was surprised, too. I was up a few times as the mattress wasn't very firm but went right back to sleep--and I didn't need my friend's suggested earplugs, either. ;-)

On Sundays, all of the residents need to leave by 7 a.m. as the shelter is attached to a church and the shelter noise interferes with the services. They are able to come back later in the day, though. Everyone I met seemed in good spirits--many were going to play pool that morning at St. Charles Park District's Senior Center (they shared that it only cost $6 per YEAR to join.) They all joked with each other about their pool skills and exchanged good-natured trash talk. Like other times when I've volunteered in shelters, I was encouraged by what good spirits people can have even during a really tough time in their lives.

Several expressed that this was the best homeless shelter in the area. There was a big-screen TV in the gathering area as well as a computer for them to use.  It is a well-organized shelter and receives strong support from local churches, groceries, and businesses--including yummy donations from some of my favorites: Trader Joe's and Fresh Market. :) They also provide services to people getting back on their feet, allowing them to rent their own dorm-style rooms. The rent money is then banked and saved for them to give them some starter funds when they move out.

It was a really good experience and I would definitely volunteer to stay over again as well as continue to bring food.  I was sharing with a friend before going that I think one reason I volunteered was to help me get out of myself a bit. I still feel really sad at times about this baby that we thought we'd have with us right now.  Helping out such as this really helps me focus on all the blessings in my life and put everything in perspective.

If any of you are local and want to know more about the shelter, wish to bring food, or are considering "sleeping over" yourself, feel free to contact me or visit their website at: http://www.lazarushouseonline.com/

My Philosophy on Blogging

Welcome back to my blog!  Yes, after four posts in my first nine days as a blogger, it's now been a month to the day since I last blogged. Back in early December when I was weighing whether or not I should start a blog, one big argument against was the time it would take away from my already busy life.  I especially didn't want it to take time away from my family. Thus, I made a deal with myself that I would blog when I wanted to and when I had time. I wouldn't feel the need to blog with a certain frequency and just write when the spirit moved me. 

Since I last wrote I've continued to heal from our unsuccessful adoption.  We're back on the adoption list to be matched again and hopeful but, understandably, a bit guarded.  I met with the head of our adoption organization who had a lot of wisdom to share (I'll elaborate more in a future post).  Per her suggestion based on birthparent input,  I've been taking time to edit our adoption profile to streamline it more which will allow for more/bigger pictures. 

I look forward to sharing in future blog posts some more detail as to how I'm doing as well as share some communications I've had with the birthmom over the past month. In fact, I already have a couple of blog posts written in my head which I'll commit to (electronic) paper and post in coming weeks.

But today I thought I'd share my first blog post on a non-adoption related topic. I will post that one directly following this one so stay tuned. :)

"I shall call the pebble Dare"

Today Cora and I drove about an hour north to meet with the owner of Angel Adoption--the organization we have been working with who had matched us with this last opportunity.  We had a good meeting, she was very open and had "been there" herself.  She had adopted three children but had just as many adoptions that had been unsuccessful.

She advised looking at every adoption opportunity as if it had only a 50% success rate.  She caveated her statement by saying when speaking with the birthparents, really try to be fully engaged and expect that it will work.  But privately, when talking with each other and others, employ the 50% rule and act as if it's just as likely it won't happen.  Don't go buy things for the baby, don't convert our guest room to Cora's new room so the baby can have the nursery.  All of these actions helped me convince myself that the baby coming to us was a reality when it can't be--not until the birthmother has held it in her arms and decided she still wishes to move forward with an adoption plan.  She needs to make that second adoption plan post-birth.

After discussing tonight at dinner, Bill and I decided that we definitely wanted to pursue adoption further, at least seeing out the balance of our current contract with Angel Adoption.  The contract is for two-years--we paid a set amount upfront for them to to match us over that period with their nationwide network.  Thus, we still have 18 months remaining on our contract--already paid.  In addition, they have a 96% success rate in matching within two years and this is very impressive--even unheard of--in adoption.

I shared with her how disappointed we had been with the social service agency who had provided our counseling.  She was disappointed as well with the examples I shared, yet she agreed with the decision we've made.  After weighing this carefully, we plan to continue to keep notes of where we've been dissatisfied but then wait until our adoption and post-placement is complete before sharing this with our social worker's superior.  Adoption social services isn't objective like processing a check at a bank, there are many subjective decisions that could go in our favor or not.  We don't want to risk getting on the bad side of our social worker who is in her first-year on the job.  If she doesn't take constructive feedback well, our next experience could be even more difficult.  However, when we are done, we do plan to meet and share our concerns with her supervisor.

The Angel Adoption head also pointed out that it is probable that we'll be matched in a state other than Illinois next time (I believe she said only 15% were in Illinois).  In this case, we would be the only ones working with our agency and the birthparents would be counseled by an agency in their state.

She also took a fresh look at our adoption profile and gave me some excellent feedback as to how to make it stronger and more attractive to birthparents.  We'll be making these changes in coming days and once it's updated, I'll post a link here in case you're interested.  They also recommend making a video of us and our home to introduce us to the birthparents.  She shared that this was a key differentiator and we plan to develop this soon as well.

I titled this blog post: "I shall call the pebble Dare."  This is a line from "By My Side" from the musical Godspell.  I've always loved the musical and this song is my favorite with the beautiful harmonies.  I was listening to it this past weekend and some of the lyrics really resonated with what I'm feeling right now. The "dare" we're taking after three adoption experiences that did not go as planned (Cora's was completed but there was still a difficult six-day delay). The "dare" we're taking as we open ourselves up to potentially experience this pain once again if an adoption doesn't succeed.  And then, the repeating chorus of "By my side, By my side" which I interpret to be God walking this uncertain walk with us and carrying us at times.  And, on a larger scale, our families and our friends--all of you who are sharing with us, caring for us, and praying with us on this journey. So we don't have to "dare" alone.

Emily's Birth Announcement or "It Really Is a Wonderful Life"

Tonight is the one-week anniversary of when I began to let go.  In my last blog post, I shared that last Friday I decided to no longer live in limbo and, instead, started to act as if the birthparents had decided to parent Emily.  It was a very hard night for me as a grieved the loss of a dream.  Bill found some support articles from our previous adoption agency as I'd asked our current agency and they didn't have anything.  I was in such pain when I called them and it upset me that they didn't even offer to try to find us support materials.

The materials Bill found from our former agency (The Cradle) were so very helpful to me.  I re-read them a couple times and really consider that my turning point in beginning to let go and starting to heal.

In fact, before going to bed that night, I checked facebook from my phone. A friend from my Mom's Group had posted that she was enjoying a favorite drink while she thought of all the people around her who had a bad week.  She then asked for someone to please send me some good news.  Many of her friends had already shared bits of good news. I found myself typing the following:

I'm sure I'm one of those near the top of the "bad week" list (especially since I arrived sobbing to the playgroup you hosted this week). But my life is full of blessings and good news including my amazing husband and daughter (who started saying "love you" to me today); my wonderfully supportive friends and family through all of this adoption uncertainty; and regardless of whether or not we end up adopting the baby, on Tuesday I saw a baby born and could coach and support the birthmom through the delivery. And the baby girl is healthy and beautiful. This waiting sucks but it was still a pretty amazing week.

I can't believe I wrote that so close to the time I was in so very much pain.  Yes, I had definitely begun to let go and see the blessings in my life. I woke up the next morning at 4 a.m., wide awake from the stress (as I'm so not a morning person).  Bill and I had been calling Emily "E" on facebook and hadn't shared any details of her birth other than that she was healthy.  Our hope had been to share her full name, her birth details, and her picture after the papers had been signed and we brought her home.

Thus, posting the following "birth announcement" on facebook was another sign of surrender:

Received a few texts from the birthmom last night and I believe we may find out today whether they chose to parent or place the baby. They were weighing their options last night and are speaking with their social worker today but my feeling is they are going to parent. So Bill and I have decided to share this now. 

At 2:49 p.m. this past Tuesday, November 29th, we were blessed to witness the birth of Emily June* Audrina. She is 19 inches and six pounds, three ounces. She came into this world surrounded by the love of two couples who care for her deeply. And she is beautiful. ♥

I followed up this post with additional information in the comments:

We love the name Emily. ♥

*June is a family name on my maternal grandmother's side of the family. My mom's middle name is June, my great aunt's first name was Mary June, and it is a surname in generations past.

The birthparents chose Audrina the first time we met them in person. We shared with them that we favored Emily June and invited them to choose a second middle name.

Cora's full name is Corinne Joy Diana. She spent the first ten weeks of her life at The Cradle nursery as Diana--the name her birthmom had chosen. Thus, it was never a question to us that Diana would be part of her name.

We wanted Emily to also have a middle name chosen by her birthparents. ♥

Later that morning, I read the comments on my post.  A couple of friends were defending us saying that Bill and I were in a better position to parent and that Emily belonged with us. I knew they were supporting us but I wanted to share a alternate viewpoint: 

I really appreciate all the support, thank you. I also think it's natural for some of you who care about me to be upset with the birthparents. But I am not. Really. Bill and I consider the birthparents friends, we respect them, have spent hours with them, and have no doubt that pre-birth they truly planned to complete the adoption.

Of course we wish they realized they wanted to parent in mid-September but birthparents need to make that decision once again after birth. Nor due I believe that a child should go to the family better able to provide for her.

A fellow adoptive mom told me last night that she'd heard that birthparents change their mind after birth in one third of adoptions. It's much more common than I thought. So there is an inherent risk and Bill and I were aware of that--we just didn't believe it would happen in our case.

The facebook birth announcement was a casual one.  But in the weeks prior to birth, I had carefully reviewed dozens of formal, mailed birth announcement designs and had decided upon the perfect one.  We'd planned to use a picture of Cora and Emily and include Emily's birth details.  

Here is the design I'd chosen (the photo and text are the artist's):

While we're not entering the holiday season with a new baby and while I still have hard days where I cry...more than once; I am blessed with a strong faith and amazing family and friends.  And I still very much believe that "it really is a wonderful life." ♥

My First Sad Day

Briefly, before I get into the post, I wanted to mention that I've begun to slowly fill-in the main areas of the blog.  I've added a pic to the blog and filled out the Welcome section.  However, it remains under construction as I plan to add another pic of our family including Bill, move some of the longish "Welcome" section to the "About Me" section, and transfer over back posts from facebook for history. I also added a button that lets you subscribe to get posts sent to your e-mail if that's easier for you.

Last week was so very hard as we waited for the birthparents to decide whether or not they would continue with their plan to place Emily for adoption.  Although hearing their final decision to parent ("keep") her was difficult, the days in between when we were waiting for a decision were extremely hard.  The birthmom sent me a text message Friday evening apologizing and saying she felt guilty for the stress this was causing us and our family. She sent another text saying that couldn't allow us to pay their rent due this week while they were making their decision.

Based on those texts, I decided at that moment to "act as if" she had made the decision and get out of the limbo we were living in.  I cried a lot, got angry at the situation, and grieved.  But then I moved on and was able to essentially enjoy the rest of the weekend.  I felt so supported by family, friends, and our church community.  I felt especially close to God this weekend and kept being reminded of his presence through people or coincidences (really God moments).

We learned of the birthmom's decision on Sunday afternoon and I didn't cry--actually felt relieved to just know.  I was able to attend a fun mom's group dinner that evening where I laughed (as well as have a brief cry on a friend's shoulder).  I was in a similar upbeatish mood on Monday and a friend commented that she was worried as I sounded "too happy."  I wasn't worried as I had been acknowledging and dealing with my feelings and I knew that I would have sad days in the future.  So I was enjoying feeling as good as I could given the situation.

Though, the "sad days in the future" came sooner that I expected.  Yesterday was a really hard day for me.  Cora woke up a 2 AM crying.  She's 21 months and usually sleeps through the night.  On the very rare occasions when she does wake up, I rock her while she drinks some milk and she goes right back down.  In the wee hours of yesterday morn she was up for almost an hour.  I rocked her and sang to her and enjoyed our cuddle time (aside from me being tired from only two hours of sleep).  However, rocking her like that reminded me of when she was a baby and it made me a bit sad as I had expected that this week I'd be up a few times a night, rocking and giving a bottle to Emily.

After she fell back asleep around 3 AM, I realized that at about that time exactly one week prior, we had received a pre-dawn call from the birthfather to come to hospital.  I remember how excited we were as we packed the car, our bags, and woke Cora (my parents met us at the hospital and took her home with them).  It made me really sad and I continued for the rest of the day yesterday to think (actually dwell on) "what were we doing right now a week ago."  

This was especially hard at 2:49 PM--the time of her birth.  I'd planned to attend the nurse-facilitated mom's group sponsored by the local hospital from 1-3.  We don't often attend as it's targeted more towards babies but I still had friends in the group as well as the facilitator and knew we'd be welcome there.  However, Cora decided to take a REALLY long nap and I wouldn't have had time to feed her a late lunch and make it there.  But we did o.k. on our own and a said a little prayer for Emily and the birthparents as the clock turned to 2:49.

During Cora's nap, I started sorting through some of the clothes I bought Emily seeing what could be returned and what I'd planned to do with the rest.  Given how the day was going, it may not have been the best choice to tackle that then but I was attending a women's Advent dinner at church and thought I could bring a 3-6 month outfit or two to a friend who had a baby girl a couple months ago.

I came across the personalized Big/Little Sister shirt/onesie that I'd special ordered for the girls.  I loved the monkey design and the designer was so friendly and shipped them quickly.

Finding these made me sad as I couldn't think of a scenario where they'd be worn again.  If we decide to adopt again, Cora will surely outgrow the tee before a baby is born. The onesie would fit a future baby but only if we adopted a girl and we chose to use the name again (not sure if we would although I do love the name). 

So that continued my melancholy day.  Then I glanced at e-mail and saw the BabyCenter 40-week baby update letting me know my baby would be here any day now and I lost it again.  I immediately went to unsubscribe and got the "sure you want to remove this child" message (click on hyperlink for yesterday's post).  I was disappointed that the time I took to correspond with them last February to make it easier for future prospective parents needing to "remove" their child was for naught.  The final message I had received from them indicated that they would change it.  I plan to follow up again in a few weeks but not one of my top priorities now.

There were bright spots to yesterday: baking pumpkin muffins with Cora to bring to the Advent dinner.  Also, enjoying dinner with my church friends who truly care about me. 

I have a call into a counselor that I worked with sometime back helping to me to better deal with all the adoption uncertainty.  I plan to start seeing her again as soon as she can take me.  The articles I've read with advice as how to deal with a "change of heart" are to attend grief support groups for those who have lost children at/close to birth.  My sister has invited me to attend her grief support group later this month (she lost a baby--our Goddaughter Molly--just after birth).  And someone in my Mom's group referred me to a local group.  I'm sure these, too, will help.

Prior to to the adoption, I had been contracting 10-15 hours a week (while a sitter stayed with Cora).  I enjoyed this as it allowed me to still be a stay-at-home mom but work that other part of my brain that I used for 20 years prior to being a mom.  This morning I sent out notes to two companies who had contacted me recently for part-time contract work, letting them know I'd be available in early January.  It think this will also help.  Lastly, I plan to start taking better care of my health.  Making exercise a priority 5-6 days a week and eating healthier.  Both of these should help me sleep better which I know impacts my mood.

Lastly, I am truly delighting in Cora these days.  She is at such a fun age!  I plan to take her swimming this afternoon which should be fun for both of us! :)